Posted by: fullandbye | April 1, 2011

Truce is Over

I have a pretty peaceful relationship with the various animals (toads, lizards, and most insects) that share my house with me. Mosquitoes I hunt with a vengeance, and animals that are major disease vectors (rats, mice, kids covered with snot) I make a point of keeping outside the house.

But spiders, crickets, even cockroaches have been mostly tolerated. I figure that my house is an ecosystem, and while I don’t encourage their presence (house is kept extremely clean, no food left out etc.), I certainly let them live so long as they do not bother me. I like the idea of peaceful coexistence, so I initiated a truce not only with the more compelling vertebrates, but also with the less compelling exoskeletal creepies.

This all changed this evening.

As it was:

I was in the bathroom, going about my evening toilette, and I noticed a sizable cockroach on the North wall, maybe ten centimeters down from the ceiling. No issue. None at all.

Being a creature of habit, I typically begin at the far end of the bathroom (the shower) and move from there to the toilet, and from the toilet to the sink. Shower. Toilet. Wash my hands. Brush my teeth. Floss. Face wash. Shave if I want. Go to bed. A simple, enjoyable routine, right?

Wrong. At least, not tonight. Everything was going well. I had gone through everything up to the final face wash (no shave tonight), and the cockroach had not moved an inch. Finally, after washing my face, the moment before turning to the door where my face towel hangs…

THE COCKROACH FLEW OFF THE WALL AND MADE A SUICIDE LEAP TOWARDS MY (MOSTLY) OPEN MOUTH!

I know it is April Fool’s Day. I swear i am not making this up.

Fortunately, my mouth was not completely open. Also fortunately, I had enough air in my lungs that an extremely rapid exhalation (a reverse gasp…a psag!) was enough to expel the cockroach from my maw, and with a frenzied batting motion I knocked that villainous knave from existence.

I then made a series of noises that, although possibly mistakable for medieval Dutch, i will not even attempt to phoneticize here.

Never in my life have I been more overjoyed at having mouthwash. I am happy I did not have any organic solvents lying around because I’m not sure I could have resisted the temptation to gargle with something stronger. I gargled with listerine for as long as I could stand it. Then I used the last remaining drops of household insecticide to spray around the top and bottom edges of the room.

Truce is over between me and the cockroaches. I’m against collective punishment as a matter of principle, but I’m going to make an exception for exoskeletal species that go for the mouth.

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Responses

  1. Thanks for the early morning humor. My day has started off propa! 🙂

  2. You are most welcome. Ann Silvera called me to say that she also found this post hilarious. I saw nothing funny about this when I posted last night, but given a nights sleep and a morning that dawned as clear and bright as this one did, I’m beginning to find the event hilarious, albeit still disgusting.


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