Posted by: fullandbye | March 21, 2007

transitions, oscillations, transformations

It gets better.

Thinking about the meaning of all this, transitions, oscillations, and becoming who we are to be.

My home remains a terrible environment for me. I cannot live in a house with so many ghosts. Currently devising a way to get out of there sooner rather than later. Details to come on this front.

Otherwise coming to terms and looking forward. How shall I live? I realize how I have undervalued so many of my friends over the past several months. You all mean more to me than you know. It is a strange world waking up and not knowing which bed you are in, but knowing that an act of kindness offered it to you.

Embracing the liberty of this. Hegel was right. We are always both masters and slaves masters and slaves. The sadness and emptiness of not having someone to come home to, nor a phone call to check in and see where I am is tempered just slightly by the knowledge that I can go wherever, sleep whenever, do whatever, with whomever. It gets better.

Each day is a blank page for me to write, but blankness is both wonderful and terrifying.

Need to revive old habits–the ones that make me happy, while adjusting to the sadness of certain habits no longer applying. Settle into something new, fill my time with new distractions, new adventures, new routines, and a new reality until I am accustomed and happy with how things are, even if I still sadden to think how they became this way. We are of strong emotional constututions; our hearts more robust than we often realize.

And through all this, I can still see her. I can still value her. Circumstances caused our lives to intersect, but the human understanding and instant mutual appreciation that compelled us to first seek each other’s company has not changed. The virtues that made us first connect as friends remain as true now as the moment our eyes first met, perhaps more so, even. And this is the optimism of this moment: we can still value each other. Space is needed to find our footing, our balance, our habits and customs without each other’s constant presence, but we adjust. During this radio silence (hardly) we are both still present, still ourselves, still the people we know and love, even if how we relate has changed, the most fundamental reasons of why we relate have not, at least, I do not think so.

Hopes? I hope that at the end of this moment, we will be able to look back upon this transition as a temporarily painful transition in a friendship that is, has been, and will be as transforming as it has been transformative.

To value and be valued, to cherish and be cherished, to have your life full of those who know you well, whom you know well, who can watch you change, allow you to change, gently encourage you to become the person you need to be; who could ask for more than people like this in your life?

We endure.

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Responses

  1. Sounds like introspections of my own, from a few years back.

  2. It does get better, but damn, why’s it gotta take so long? Solidarity, brother.

  3. I’m afraid to ask what happened.

  4. I’m leaving by June most likely. maybe even may. we need to find environmental-minded subletters. interested?
    and uh, if you need distractions, call me back dude. 🙂


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