Posted by: fullandbye | March 19, 2007

fear of sleep

Nearly two weeks out, and very little has gotten easier.

Every day is like a year, hour by hour overcome with emotion. Just wanting to make this deep sadness go away, to run from it, leave it behind. Desperate to distract myself until this pain heals somewhat. To fill my life with such joyful noise that the silence resonating within becomes distant, to get so busy that the days fly and one day I realize that I have regained my perspective and that this was for the best.

Panic attacks almost every night at precisely 5am. Dreams run out of control. I lay awake for an hour or two, terrified of the dark, and afraid to turn over and reach for the body I know is not there. This fear of rolling over is the same fear that has kept me from my house since this has happened.

This hurts so much. I do not remember ever hurting like this. This is a strange sort of grief. It is a grief for someone who is still alive, but whose life is no longer entwined with mine as it once was.

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