Posted by: fullandbye | May 18, 2004

hum dee dum

Oh man,
I totally felt like shit this morning and opted out of class. I sent an email informing my profs and boss of my absence, and then slept till noon, got up, and spent the rest of the day reading Marxist geography.
These past several weeks have been really interesting. I broke up with Tess less than a fortnight ago, and I feel simultaneously liberated and deeply saddened by all of this. It has been wonderful knowing that I am free of an identity I have carried since high school, but it was really hard telling someone who has been close to me for so long to stay as far away from me as possible. But then again, being around her was totally anathema to my being a better person. Sometimes it is necessary to have some space away from people who hurt you and think they possess the keys to your identity. I mean, for goodness sake, I am still trying to figure out who I am. It is nice not having my identity reified by someone who has known me since pre-pubescence. But it is scary not being in a relationship. There is much to fear in the unknown.
I must be up at 7:30 tomorrow. I think I am off to shower and then to bed. This week is going to be intense. I look forward to finishing this quarter out. I feel as though the next two or three months will be formative for me. I hope the change is for the better. I already feel as though I am becoming a better person, but I wonder if part of this is because I am still reeling from having the person who was ostensibly my best friend betray me in such a way. Am I fearful of abandonment? Could that be it? I hope I keep my current perspective for awhile. I think I might have forgotten how much people mean to me. Kindness and beauty is everywhere.
Oh man, I had better be off to bathe and bed before I wax any more poetical. (Who the hell decided that “wax” should be a verb? Do ears wax waxy? And do bees wax comby?)

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Responses

  1. Ah yes, I, too, love Adagio for Strings. I once had the pleasure to be in a group playing that. Of course, as a trombonist (read: not a string player), there wasn’t much call for me play; indeed I suspect there would have been many unhappy people had I tried. Nonetheless, I got to sit there and just take in the music and try not to crack up every time the director brought his pink to his mouth and wrinkled his brow like Dr. Evil. But seriously, I you should update. I just posted my first update in over a year. It’s never too late to come back. đŸ™‚


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